MEXICO CITY — In a bold move to “redefine what it means to suffer in the sky,” Volaris and Viva Aerobus announced plans this week to merge into a single airline, tentatively named Volaribus, with the explicit goal of creating the most agonizing flight experience known to humankind.
Executives from both airlines proudly unveiled their shared vision: “Why have some discomfort when you can have total despair?” said Volaris CEO Enrique Beltránena, unveiling a new aircraft mock-up that features an impressive negative three inches of legroom. “Passengers will be touching knees not only with the person in front of them — but spiritually, with everyone on board.”
Among the announced innovations:
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Carry-on limits reduced to ‘one emotional burden per person.’
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A US $7 fee for blinking too frequently during takeoff.
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New “Human Cargo” seating tiers where passengers are gently stacked for maximum efficiency.
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Complimentary non-reclining seats made from compressed regret and recycled boarding passes.
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Volaribus’ seating configuration will encourage passengers to get to “know” one another intimately — perhaps even in the biblical sense.
Beltranena further boasted “We’ve done our homework, studying what Spirit Airlines in the U.S. and Ryanair in Europe has brought to those markets, and we are confident we are well-positioned to do worse here in Mexico. And God willing, much, much worse.”
The merged airline also teased its new slogan: “Volaribus: Because You Deserve Worse.”
Volaribus has tapped an outside consulting agency to steer the launch of the new airline — the same firm that guided Air Koryo, North Korea’s flagship airline, through a successful rebranding with unprecedented 110% passenger approval ratings previously unheard of in the travel industry.
Industry analysts are already calling the merger a milestone in aviation history. “They’ve found untapped potential in human misery,” said travel expert Ana Ruiz. “By the time you land, you’ll have paid $600 in hidden fees and lost faith in flight as a concept.”
In an unexpected twist, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary publicly congratulated the new airline, admitting he felt “a deep, professional jealousy.”
“I’ve spent decades trying to convince customers they should stand during flights and pay extra to breathe,” O’Leary said. “But these guys — these beautiful bastards — are taking cheapness to levels even I can’t legally achieve. I salute them.”
As a closing statement, the companies promised that all cost savings would go directly toward expanding executive bonuses and installing even smaller tray tables.
“We’re not just merging airlines,” said Viva Aerobus spokesperson Ricardo Bastón. “We’re merging pain, efficiency, and a business model built on passenger tears.”
Shares in the ADO and ETN bus networks were up 8% and 12%, respectively, on the heels of the Volaribus’ announcement.
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Source: Mexico News Daily
